


you'll drown (before you let me catch you)

by techieturnover



Series: On Purpose [2]
Category: Black Sails
Genre: F/M, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Multi, Originally Posted on Tumblr, james i-cut-my-hair-because-im-sad mcgraw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-16
Updated: 2020-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:01:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23167402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/techieturnover/pseuds/techieturnover
Summary: Miranda takes the long strands at the front of his head, runs her hand back to the short bristles near the cut. It’s a mess, but there may still be something left worth saving. Rather like them.
Relationships: Miranda Barlow/Captain Flint | James McGraw, Miranda Barlow/Captain Flint | James McGraw/Thomas Hamilton
Series: On Purpose [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1665331
Comments: 11
Kudos: 25





	you'll drown (before you let me catch you)

Miranda isn’t sure at first what she hears. She’s in the kitchen, making dinner when the sound first catches her attention. 

She pauses her chopping and in the silence, the sound becomes clear enough that she closes her eyes against the pain in her chest. James is crying again - obviously trying to keep the sobs quiet. She has no doubt that when he emerges he will look none the worse for wear - no worse than he looks all the time, at any rate. 

She wants to start cooking again. She wants to block the sound out - drown the echo of her own sadness and pretend that they are living at all like this, without Thomas. 

It’s only been two months since they arrived in Nassau, two weeks since they got the letter from Peter letting them know that Thomas -

Miranda swallows, both against the sorrow and to force her body to cooperate. James is distraught; adrift, without any thought but revenge and sadness and she knows she has to be the one to channel that energy. Now, with Thomas gone. 

It will fall to her from now on. 

She takes a deep breath to steady herself and sets aside the meat and vegetables. Dinner will have to wait.

As she approaches the room James has shut himself in she picks up on another sound, not one she’s wholly familiar with. It sounds like a ripping or cutting of something. When she opens the door she understands. 

James is sitting up against one wall, what is left of his long hair held limply between his fingers. It’s been shorn off at the back just above where he usually ties his queue and Miranda brings a hand to her mouth to stifle the sob she lets out. 

James notices her anyway. He looks up at her and she can’t help but think of a lost child. He looks terrible; hair fallen, eyes rimmed and swollen, and his entire face red with sorrow and shame. She crosses the room to him, kneeling and pulling his head to her chest. He doesn't resist, but neither does he lean in. Just remains, still. They stay like that - James half pulled into her lap, silent until she can’t bear it anymore.

“Why would you do that?” she asks, her voice quiet and sad even to her own ears. She and Thomas had both always admired James’ hair - shining and burnt copper, especially now with all the months spent outside. 

“He-”

It’s all he gets out - his chest working fruitlessly against the sobs that wrack his body again. It’s only a word, but she thinks she must understand.

It is not important that she had always loved James’ hair. But that Thomas had. And now Thomas was gone. Bile rises in her throat but she pushes it down. Now is not the time to be jealous of a dead man, or angry at the one she still has left.

“I couldn’t keep looking at it.” he manages finally, voice thick and broken. Another breath, and his voice is surer but infinitely sadder when he speaks again. “Not with what I am to become.” 

“And what is that?” 

“Anathema to all Thomas had held dear. A pirate, a murderer. A godless man of violence and plunder. Not anything he would have cherished.” 

“He still would have cherished you.” Of that much she is certain. Thomas would have loved James no matter what he became - especially given the reasons for the change. “You’re doing this for him. For his dream. Surely he could spin a reason to forgive that.”

“Forgive, perhaps. But not love. I don’t want to be anything he could have loved right now.” The last is said so quietly, she almost misses it. But the implication breaks what little is left of her heart. They’ve both suffered so much, and yet it seems James is intent on making himself suffer all the more. 

She pulls back, takes his wet, swollen cheeks in her hands. He meets her eyes reluctantly. 

“Will you be something I could love?” His pause before he answers is the truth. He speaks anyway.

“I’ll try.” He looks as if even he doesn’t believe the lie. She resolves, then, to build James back up. To take whatever pieces are left of him and prop them into something that resembles the man she and Thomas loved. She owes that much to James. And to Thomas. And to herself most of all.

“Let me fix this, then.'' She takes the long strands at the front of his head, runs her hand back to the short bristles near the cut. It’s a mess, but there may still be something left worth saving. Rather like them. 

The thought makes her smile as she kisses his head and rises to find a pair of scissors. 

\---------------------------------------------

It isn’t until the next day, when James has gone and she is alone that Miranda lets herself back into the room with the shorn locks of James’ hair and allows herself to cry over their loss. Briefly, before there is any risk of James returning.

**Author's Note:**

> this is like suuuuuper loosely based on that TERRIBLE regina spektor song 'Samson' which you should definitely listen to while thinking about James and Miranda if you're looking for a good time
> 
> originally posted at: https://im-the-punk-who.tumblr.com/post/190991947208/miranda-isnt-sure-what-she-hears-at-first-shes


End file.
